I sat in my office with my head in my hands. I was crying. I think that I had been crying for a few days but I cannot honestly remember. I hadn’t been into my office for two weeks but I had to come in because my signature was needed for the day’s events to go ahead.

Tomorrow was the Station Families Day and the Squadron that I commanded was scheduled to perform a flypast, today we had to practice the display* and ensure that the Station Commander was happy for the flypast to go ahead as planned. I had therefore made my way in to work.

As a pilot, I had been trained not to take my problems into the air and I had always been very good at it. I think that most Pilots’ inadvertently practice mindfulness as it generally requires you to be very present, in the moment and making small corrections to keep on track. Today I was struggling.

I had recently discovered that my wife, the mother of our two beautiful boys, was leaving. I had suspected that something was amiss for a long time but didn’t know what to do about it. I never suspected her of having found somebody else, as I could not bring myself to believe that she was looking. I was very, very wrong.

I had informed my Command Chain, both on the base and at the Central Headquarters and had spent the last two weeks wondering how I allowed this to happen. I hadn’t found any answers.

My misplaced sense of duty had led to me driving in to work and preparing for the formation flight. It was all fairly routine and I was ready to deliver the briefing when my Deputy came into my office and unloaded his anger at my absence for the last two weeks. I almost held my nerve but could hear my voice cracking in my responses to him. I think that he knew what was going on at home but wasn’t sure, I hadn’t said anything to him.

He left my office, I cried. Then I went to the locker room, had a shower, regained my composure and then briefed the formation. The practice went well and I was able to concentrate my attention, it was actually a relief to be back in the air again.

The next day, we flew the formation again but this time it didn’t go quite as well. One of the aircraft was damaged on landing and, ultimately, I was at fault.

So What?

I have written this account to demonstrate a point. I was not at war; I was the Commanding Officer of a small training unit. The pressure that I was under does not compare to the pressure faced by commanders/leaders in the combat arena but it was my first “Independent Command”, I was responsible for my actions and made my own decisions. I also had nobody to talk to.

When you become “The Boss” relationships change. It is almost inevitable. However, I ask you to think about your relationships and your circle of friends. It is difficult to be friends with the people that you write reports on and there will always be a little tension. You are human and probably enjoy being part of a team, a tribe, but Command takes you out of your previous circle. The other thing about being human is that you occasionally need somebody to talk to.

Emotional Intelligence and Self-Awareness

What are your options? It is important to remember that you are never really alone, there will be others in similar situations and you should make it a priority to seek them out and develop a connection with them. I made the situation worse by isolating myself and not seeking advice.

As you progress through life, opportunities for Leadership present themselves and the importance of understanding the specific needs of your Team Members is an integral part of almost all leadership training. However, it is easy to forget about your own emotional needs when blinded, even temporarily, by an event, situation or your own perceived status.

On any list of “Leadership Attributes”, the words Honesty and Integrity are ever present. This starts with you. Be honest with yourself first and do not be afraid to ask for advice. It is not a sign of weakness! You are in a Leadership position because you are trusted, you have already proven this to your superiors and they will probably be able to assist you. Don’t be afraid to Ask!

I’d love to hear your thoughts. Please share them in the comments section.