I sat in my office with my head in my hands. I was crying. I think that I had been crying for a few days but I cannot honestly remember. I hadn’t been into my office for two weeks but I had to come in because my signature was needed for the day’s events to go ahead.
Tomorrow was the Station Families Day and the Squadron that I commanded was scheduled to perform a flypast, today we had to practice the display* and ensure that the Station Commander was happy for the flypast to go ahead as planned. I had therefore made my way in to work.
As a pilot, I had been trained not to take my problems into the air and I had always been very good at it. I think that most Pilots’ inadvertently practice mindfulness as it generally requires you to be very present, in the moment and making small corrections to keep on track. Today I was struggling.
I had recently discovered that my wife, the mother of our two beautiful boys, was leaving. I had suspected that something was amiss for a long time but didn’t know what to do about it. I never suspected her of having found somebody else, as I could not bring myself to believe that she was looking. I was very, very wrong.
I had informed my Command Chain, both on the base and at the Central Headquarters and had spent the last two weeks wondering how I allowed this to happen. I hadn’t found any answers.
My misplaced sense of duty had led to me driving in to work and preparing for the formation flight. It was all fairly routine and I was ready to deliver the briefing when my Deputy came into my office and unloaded his anger at my absence for the last two weeks. I almost held my nerve but could hear my voice cracking in my responses to him. I think that he knew what was going on at home but wasn’t sure, I hadn’t said anything to him.
He left my office, I cried. Then I went to the locker room, had a shower, regained my composure and then briefed the formation. The practice went well and I was able to concentrate my attention, it was actually a relief to be back in the air again.
The next day, we flew the formation again but this time it didn’t go quite as well. One of the aircraft was damaged on landing and, ultimately, I was at fault.
So What?
I have written this account to demonstrate a point. I was not at war; I was the Commanding Officer of a small training unit. The pressure that I was under does not compare to the pressure faced by commanders/leaders in the combat arena but it was my first “Independent Command”, I was responsible for my actions and made my own decisions. I also had nobody to talk to.
When you become “The Boss” relationships change. It is almost inevitable. However, I ask you to think about your relationships and your circle of friends. It is difficult to be friends with the people that you write reports on and there will always be a little tension. You are human and probably enjoy being part of a team, a tribe, but Command takes you out of your previous circle. The other thing about being human is that you occasionally need somebody to talk to.
Emotional Intelligence and Self-Awareness
What are your options? It is important to remember that you are never really alone, there will be others in similar situations and you should make it a priority to seek them out and develop a connection with them. I made the situation worse by isolating myself and not seeking advice.
As you progress through life, opportunities for Leadership present themselves and the importance of understanding the specific needs of your Team Members is an integral part of almost all leadership training. However, it is easy to forget about your own emotional needs when blinded, even temporarily, by an event, situation or your own perceived status.
On any list of “Leadership Attributes”, the words Honesty and Integrity are ever present. This starts with you. Be honest with yourself first and do not be afraid to ask for advice. It is not a sign of weakness! You are in a Leadership position because you are trusted, you have already proven this to your superiors and they will probably be able to assist you. Don’t be afraid to Ask!
I’d love to hear your thoughts. Please share them in the comments section.
About Lee Toomey
That last paragraph is powerhouse! I love. Honesty and integrity are glue that holds all other great virtues in place. I often catch myself daydreaming about how much better the world will be with more honesty and integrity in leadership!
I believe leaders tend to put ourselves in this position of loneliness by not prioritizing friendships. For example, I’ve fought many inner-battles myself over the years – battles that could have been shared with friends. Often the need is not someone in your same shoes but someone to listen – a trusting friend and advisor – often one who is decidedly NOT in the same shoes.
It took me too long to learn this and begin prioritizing friendships myself. It’s helped a great deal since. Your post reminded me of this importance and urged me to focus more time on this once again.
Thank you being vulnerable and courageous enough to share, Lee!
Hi Lee.
Thank you for this thought-provoking post. I believe we have all found ourselves at that “lonely spot” thinking that we must “suffer” singularly. I appreciate your reminder to us that we not isolate ourselves but yet search for others who may share a kind ear and a helping hand.
All the best,
Susan
Thanks Susan,
I agree with you. We all face this challenge in different ways and it is difficult to prepare for, that’s why I wrote the post. Life is what happens when you are busy making other plans.
Best Regards,
Lee
A stark reminder of how our priorities affect us. Thank you for sharing your heart Lee. As I am learning, the top can be lonely. However, staying there is a choice. I need to proactively seek company. Your post is an urgent reminder to keep this in the front-burner.
Kimunya,
Life is for sharing. I subsequently found that there are plenty of people ready to assist you, you just have to ask.
Regards,
Lee
The advice in this post will save many families from tearing apart. A problem at home affects our performance at work.
No one knows it all therefore as leaders we must always be honest with yourself first and do not be afraid to ask for advice. It is not a sign of weakness but, strength.
No one can achieve success alone. Teamwork is the secret that makes common people achieve uncommon result.
More grace to you Sir Toomey. Thanks for sharing your rich sagacity with us.
Ifeanyi,
I am humbled by your comments, thank you. In my experience, people are often only ready to ask for advice or to express their discomfort when it is already too late. I would like to prevent this and therefore promote Self-Awareness and Emotional Intelligence. It is simple but not always easy. Things are changing and endeavours such as this Blogathon (thanks Todd !) are an important way of getting the message to those that are ready to hear it.
Regards,
Lee
Lee,
“Don’t be afraid to Ask! As there are no stupid questions just stupid answers” – I do not know who said the last part but it is so true. Gen. Powell said “being on top it is very lonely” and that is the price you pay to be there. Yes, you can ask as there are others in same shoes – but is this always true? Can Putin ask Obama …?
As you said Lee ‘When you become “The Boss” relationships change’ and people do not tell you the only truth they would if you are one of them. Even so if you are “one of them (between bosses)” as they have different problems different environment and they are different.
So what to do? How to solve this puzzle?
Lee you gave great insights, thank you.
Cheers
Jaro.
Jaro,
Thanks for your kind words. It is difficult to answer the questions that you posed because every situation is different. I believe that the important thing is to develop a culture where honesty is cherished and encouraged….in all areas of life.
Best Regards,
Lee
Amazing post! Thank you for your so eloquent vulnerability. You cite “I had been trained not to take my problems into the air and I had always been very good at it.” How often do we as leaders practice this? No matter what is going on, we come in with a smile and continue to lead. All very important, however it often places us in a position wherein others fear sharing their vulnerability. Somehow they perceive that life for us is different, we don’t have problems, we wouldn’t understand. Although I’ve never been to war, I absolutely relate to your very human experience. Thank you for sharing.
Hello Susan,
I firmly believe that the best leaders are approachable, human and willing to be vulnerable. Nobody knows everything and some of the best ideas come from unexpected sources. Although I worried about sharing this story, I have seen similar things happen to enough people (in many different arenas) that I think that it should be discussed.
Thank you for engaging in the debate.
Best Tegards,
Lee
Lee — a very moving piece on many levels: the strength you’ll find through welcoming vulnerability; how right Covey was when he wrote that at the end of our lives, few of us will wish we had spent more time at work; how overly focused on task completion to the detriment of relationship building management has become (yikes, come on, getting reamed out for an absence!); and that those we love need our attention, care, and nurturing, too. Thanks for sharing!
Jane,
Thank you for your insightful comments. The work/life balance is a challenge for everyone. I got it wrong and paid a price, but I learnt from it. Now I try to spread the word a little, in an attempt to get the message to people before it is too late.
Best Regards,
Lee
I cannot thank you enough for your vulnerable exchange above. What a powerful reminder of self awareness, leadership, integrity and honesty. I am sharing this post w/my hubbie who is an ex-pilot. Good stuff here. Thank you
Thanks Lisa,
I am honoured that you found the post useful and hope that your husband finds it interesting!
Best Regards,
Lee
It took courage to post your story – the steps in your healing have started…you have recognized that you have the ability to face your fear – in both your personal and professional life – and you chose to be vulnerable …a leadership lesson that many do not ever learn.
Reach out – you are right, it is okay to do so….and continue to build that support system around you – it never needs to be lonely in anyone’s command.
Lora,
Thank you for your response. It took a while for me to find the strength to write about this but I am glad that I did. Always learning!
Best Regards,
Lee
Thought-provoking post Lee. The old expression “It’s lonely at the top” vividly comes to life in your post. Yet you post the question, do leaders make it lonely at the top or is it a given.
In today’s organizations, I think it is changing dramatically. Participative leadership and empowerment can minimize the isolation IF leaders can feel strong inside — even when they admit their concerns.
Perhaps the isolation is something that has always been within and not automatically generated by title/position.
Lots to ponder here. Great post.
Kate Nasser, The People Skills Coach™
Hi Kate,
Thank you for your thoughtful response. My post does probably pose more questions than answers but that is what I wanted it to do. It is hard to be prescriptive because every situation is different. The isolation can be a part of character but I encourage people to work on it.
Best Regards,
Lee
Courageous story telling. Your own performance is as much your personal concern as is the performance of your reports. Establishing your support networks before you need them as a leader is critical. Dealing with what leaves you feeling vulnerable in an open an honest way is incredibly tough. Thanks for sharing.
Thanks Peter,
I agree with you. The support network that you build is important and should be done as soon as possible.
Regards,
Lee